DVD Review: Puppet Monster Massacre

Hi all…

When I was in junior high and high school in the mid-1980s, it seemed there were new horror movies hitting theaters every week. I didn’t get to see many until they started showing up on video in high school and college, but I did see a few. And most of them involved teenagers doing dumb things and getting slaughtered by the monster or serial killer of the week.

From Freddy Krueger in A Nightmare on Elm Street and the haunted car in Christine to The Lost Boys and Friday the 13th, they all start with a group of clueless, usually good-looking teenagers with hormones raging out of control and end up with blood and dead bodies everywhere. Like Jeff Goldblum‘s character in The Lost World: Jurassic Park says – “Oh yeah. Oooh, ahhh, that’s how it always starts. Then later there’s running and screaming.”

What if I told you there was a new movie that took that basic plot and turned it on its head? The Puppet Monster Massacre is definitely one of the strangest mash-ups I’ve ever seen. Teenagers? Check. Evil mad scientist? Check. Monster? Check. Creepy old house? Check. Puppets? What the…?

That’s right – The Puppet Monster Massacre from writer/director/actor Dustin Mills takes aim at the classic teenage horror movie pattern, but uses puppets in all the roles. Don’t worry though, there’s still plenty of blood, gore, running, screaming, and sex – yes, I said sex – in this movie so be VERY aware this puppet show is NOT FOR THE KIDDIES. That said, I was laughing my butt off in more than a few places as the film pokes fun at the horror movie genre.

The story takes place in 1985 and starts with a hunter in the woods. He encounters a penguin and proceeds to get his butt kicked by said flightless bird. The poor old hunter wakes up in a mad scientist’s lair and is used as the incubator for a strange little black monster. I knew from the first blood splatter that this wasn’t going to be an average puppet horror film, though I had no idea what the “average puppet horror film” might be when I started…

After that we’re introduced to the rest of the characters – Charlie (voiced by Ethan Holey) is the main character. He lives with his perverted, swearing, gassy grandfather (voiced by Bart Flynn) in a small town. Charlie is in love with Gwen (voiced by Jessica Daniels) who lives nearby but has been chicken to ask her out. One day Charlie gets an invitation in the mail to spend the night at an old house near town. If he survives, he gets $1,000,000. Though his Gramps suggests that something seems hinky, Charlie is determined to go anyway. And when he finds out that Gwen got an invitation, he knows he has to go to prove that he wasn’t the wimp everybody thought he was.

We discover quickly that Gwen and Charlie aren’t the only “contestants” in this potential night of horrors. Also invited are Mona (voiced by Erica Kissenberth) and Iggy (also voiced by Flynn) – a couple of hardcore rockers who like to party and have sex frequently; and Raimi Campbell (voiced by Mills) – a horror movie buff who seems to live in his mother’s basement whose name has to be a combination of Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell.

Once this gang of five puppets arrives at the front door to the big old spooky house, they meet the mysterious Dr. Wolfgang Wagner (voiced by Steve Rimpici) – the strange benefactor who invited them all to participate. What they don’t know is that surviving until morning really isn’t in the plan. Dr. Wolfgang, his assistant Squiggums (the penguin), and the Monster have something else in mind. Revenge!

The absolutely hilarious thing to me is that if you decided to cast this film with real actors – it would still work. It’s almost as though Mills decided to take a thought experiment of “what if we used puppets instead of people?” to it’s conclusion and this movie is the result. Though seeing puppet sex was slightly disturbing, I have to say I enjoyed how wacky and well-written the film actually was. Some of the visuals alone had me in stitches such as when the monster is coming out of a door with “CLEARANCE 3 FT.” stenciled above it – or when Charlie falls into a room full of fluffy bunnies with the words “FOOD STORAGE” stenciled on the walls.

Of all the characters, Raimi was my favorite. With his buck teeth and puppet acne, he manages to narrate his way on a trek through the forest that had me laughing early on and then laughing even harder as he explored the house later. I think he had all the best lines and definitely the best chase scene in the whole film that evoked a very Scooby-Doo kind of feel from the music to the cartoon-like path they took through the house.

Don’t worry that there’s not enough blood… There is definitely plenty of mayhem and gore in this movie in addition to the comedy. I can truthfully say I’ve never seen puppets die in as many gruesome ways as they did here. Deaths varied from monsters eating heads to soldiers shooting holes in other soldiers to claws slicing halfway through a puppet’s face (with the requisite brains/gore inside)… every time I thought I’d seen them all, the crew came up with another one.

In addition to the film (about 70 minutes long), there are a couple of commentary tracks as well as a couple of monster designs they decided not to go with.

All in all if you’re looking for a violent, bloody, puppet-based horror flick with crude humor and language, The Puppet Monster Massacre should be right up your alley. Even if you’re just looking for something different in the horror/comedy genre, it fits that bill too. But either way, this has to be one of the more original concepts for a horror film I’ve seen in years and I’d love to see more from Dustin Mills and his crew. Who knows? Maybe this will kick off a whole new genre of horror!

For more about the movie, check out the film’s website at PuppetMonsterMassacre.com.

This article first appeared at BlogCritics.org here.


p.s. Look for this fun flick at Amazon!

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Movie Review: The Wolfman

I usually like monster movies. Good ones anyway. And something about the trailers for The Wolfman made me uneasy. But my wife wanted to see Benicio Del Toro and Anthony Hopkins, so I went against my better judgment.

Now I know that this is a remake of a 1941 film with the same name starring Lon Chaney Jr. And basically it’s meant to be an almost Shakespearean story of family betrayal and the redemption of true love. (The “true love” part may be what made the studio set opening day for the 2010 version to be before Valentine’s Day, but it’s a bit like The Alamo opening on Christmas Day a few years ago – what were they thinking??)


But I absolutely hated this film. Some of that may be due to the fact that the theater we were in had the volume way to loud for anyone to do anything but cringe. Beyond that however, I would have expected better from such a stellar cast – Del Toro, Hopkins, Emily Blunt, Hugo Weaving – mixed with 2010 technology and the genius of Rick Baker, make-up effects wizard… What I got were a few startles (good for horror movies and expected) and a lot of inconsequential scenes.

The effects weren’t bad. But they didn’t really wow me. The scene where Del Toro changes while strapped to the chair was overdone and the chase across the rooftops seemed long. And then there was the travel scenes. I felt like I walked from London to Talbot Manor on foot.

It has been forever since I was in a film where I literally looked at my watch every 15 minutes hoping the 2 hour running time was just about over. Contrast that with the 3 hours plus of Jim Cameron’s Avatar where I didn’t look at my watch once.

I haven’t seen the original 1941 movie, though I think Lon Chaney Jr. was a genius of his time (his performance in Phantom of the Opera still gives me chills). And I think Del Toro and Blunt have done good work. Hopkins is of course a genius with many extraordinary performances under his belt.

None of that could save this film for me though. It’s the first movie in a very long time I hated. Sorry Wolfman, I won’t be seeing the sequel with Mr. Smith as a werewolf. Even he couldn’t save this one for me, though I think he and Hopkins had the best lines in the film.


It gets a solid ZERO out of 4 stars for wasting my time.

Disagree? Leave me a comment below. Tell me why I should have liked this waste of digital celluloid.


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